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The ONLY Trait That Matters in a Woman
- Written by NelsonQuest
- October 15, 2022
Table of Contents
Most of us have a rough idea of the individual qualities that we’re hoping to find in an ideal partner. Kindness, loyalty, intelligence, sense of humor, physical appearance, financial security, confidence, and the list goes on.
And this is PRECISELY why we suck at finding partners that are right for us… allow me to explain.
Many years ago as I was transitioning out of the phase where I was chasing girls in the pursuit of brief momentary pleasures – and into the phase where I really wanted to find an ideal partner… I found that I was basically carrying around a ‘mental checklist’ of qualities that I thought I wanted in a girl.
With every new girl that I dated, I would update that list, adding or removing qualities, based on my experiences.
I think we all do that… right?
Maybe we think we want a partner who is hard working, only to date someone like that and realize that what we really want is someone who is passionate.
Or we prioritize physical attractiveness, only to find ourselves bored out of our minds whenever we’re not having sex, and so we come to realize how important intelligence is.
Here’s the thing, I now realize that this ENTIRE system of seeking out individual qualities in a partner – which is something that virtually all of us do – is COMPLETELY broken for two primary reasons.
First of all, how we conceptualize different traits is often very different from the reality of how they manifest in the people we date.
We may think we may want a partner who is passionate, only to come to find that they’re so passionate that they have no time for us.
We may think that we want a partner who is intelligent… but how do you even measure intelligence? Whether or not they went to college? How much do they know about world events? What if they’re intelligent and narcissistic?
Now I know that you’re thinking to yourself “well Nelson, obviously what we’re looking for is a healthy balance of desirable traits”, but this creates an even BIGGER problem… one that virtually GUARANTEES that we’ll never find our ‘ideal’ partner’
When we walk around with an idea of the individual qualities that we want in an ideal partner, what we’re essentially doing here is elevating the ‘expectation’ that we have for our partner to the level of ‘ideal.’
The level of ‘ideal’ is reserved exclusively for perfection… it is the territory of Gods.
Ideals are perfect things, and we are imperfect things.
It’s safe to aspire towards ideals, which are perfect things, only if we understand that we are imperfect, and that we will never reach that level.
For example, I aspire to be courageous – courage is an ‘ideal’ – I will never be perfectly courageous, but I can always be more courageous… are you still with me?
Ok so now here’s the problem with how we conceptualize ‘ideal’ partners – they do not and cannot exist.
There is NO partner that possesses every single quality that we want, and so when we use this framework to envision our ‘ideal’ partner – we create a DISASTROUS situation where we now have to SETTLE for whoever we date.
It’s absolutely insane! And we never think to question this because… how can we even begin to question something if it’s never occurred to us that there may be a better way?
Well, I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’ve come up with a solution that has worked amazingly for myself and for the small group of people that I’ve shared this with.
Here it is:
Instead of looking for a certain combination of qualities you want to find in your ideal partner, instead look for a singular, ROOT personality trait that virtually guarantees an extremely high degree of compatibility.
Now to be fair, this trait is EXTREMELY difficult to find in other people… which is what makes it so valuable.
But once you’ve found it in someone, and assuming you’ve watched the rest of this video of course…. I promise that you will understand.
That trait… is…
Intellectual Curiosity.
Now that you know what the trait is, let me give you three reasons that will help you to fully understand.
Reason #1: Intellectual Curiosity BREEDS The Best Versions of Other Traits
What I mean by that is, it’s a personality trait that tends to breed other positive traits.
Someone who is intellectually curious will be intelligent in all of the right ways – because by being curious, they’re compelled to learn about the world NOT as they want it to be, but rather as it really is.
They tend to have knowledge of lots of different things and will want to know more about things they don’t know a lot about – in other words, they care more about ‘learning’ than they do about ‘being right’.
Being intellectually curious, the overall character that they possess will tend to be extremely positive and warm, since this is the character that will most attract other people to them and allow them to disarm those people to be able to have the open, honest dialog that they crave.
They’ll generally have a good sense of humor, or will at least be able to understand and appreciate yours.
They will rarely get offended, since ‘to get offended’ is literally the opposite of ‘to be curious.’ To be ‘offended’ is to take things personally and to react based purely on emotion, while to be curious is to seek to understand motives, and to react based on facts and logic.
When tempted with the prospect of being unfaithful, a normal person will be more likely to act on those impulses because they are slaves to them. They have been conditioned by the society around them to seek instant gratification in everything that they do. Someone who is intellectually curious will still feel those same impulses, but instead of blindly acting on them, will question ‘why.’
To be on the path of self-development is to be intellectually curious. It is to one day look at yourself in the mirror, realize that you can be better, and willfully embark down an unmarked path of self-discovery guided only by an idea of what you could be. Trust me when I tell you that you will want a partner who is also on this path.
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Reason #2: Intellectually Curious People are Highly Rational
There’s this idea that it’s ‘normal’ to have fights in a relationship. I think that’s ridiculous.
In most of my more recent relationships, I’ve had virtually no fights. Why?
Because I’m intellectually curious, and I would only date someone who possessed that quality as well.
I already mentioned this in the last section, but someone who is intellectually curious is not going to react based on their emotions. If their partner does something to upset them, they’re going to want to investigate both sides of that coin, which are
- Why did my partner do something to upset me?
- Why do I feel upset?
Now I’m not saying that there should never be fights… after all everyone has bad days, and we’re not perfect creatures… but when we investigate the motives of why our partner did whatever they did, in almost all cases we’ll find that there was no malicious intent.
And when we observe our own feelings… in almost all cases we’ll find that we’re reacting based on our own insecurities and biases.
Someone who is intellectually curious will have a conversation with you in an effort to understand your rationality behind what you did, before making a conclusion.
This level of rationality also means that, if things truly aren’t working out despite your best efforts, then the decision to separate will be painless and drama-free.
Reason #3: Intellectually Curious People Grow Together
The most important lesson I’ve learned from previous relationships is how important it is to grow with the person you’re with.
Most relationships start with two different people, each with their own unique goals and opinions.
For the relationship to work, both partners need to use their intellectual curiosity in each other to fuel conversations where they work to understand each other’s goals and world-views so that over time, they can share them.
reflection
I always date younger women because I would like my children’s mother to be young, and I realized that it was completely irrational of me to expect a younger person to have the same level of experience as me at 36 years old …
It’s extremely important for me to feel supported and for me to be with someone who can at least try to understand my goals and motivations, which, frankly, are completely unrelatable to most people. I have never felt supported in a relationship and honestly I’ve never really felt supported at any point in my life, and I know deep down that I need to feel that in someone I care about to reach my full potential.
Lastly, I do a lot of stuff – thankfully most of it is pretty cool – and so it’s important for me to be with someone who can take an interest in that stuff.
For all of these reasons, I came to realize that what I was really looking for was someone who had true ‘intellectual curiosity’ – someone who would want to explore the world with me, someone who would support me as much as I would support them, and someone who would be up for doing lots of cool shit with me.
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